


Pray the Gay away

by EnjolrasSeizedTheDay



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Catholic Guilt, I'm not kidding Dex recites the Apostles creed, M/M, Religious Conflict, Trans Dex, heavy religious themes, religous guilt, specificaly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 21:56:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9035858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnjolrasSeizedTheDay/pseuds/EnjolrasSeizedTheDay
Summary: Dex has been keeping a secret since Nursey met him. When Nursey finds out he doesn't know how to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akadiene](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akadiene/gifts).



> Akadiene, thank you so much for being so patient with me. I hope this works. Happy holidays ~ your secret santa 
> 
> as a note for the general audience this is based 100% on my own experiences as a gay Catholic trans man. the views presented in this work are not necessarily in line with mainstream Catholic beliefs

For as long as Nursey had know Dex every Sunday he would disappear for almost exactly an hour and a half, when he showed back up he was even more withdrawn than usual. Nursey had asked where he went at first but Dex wouldn’t ever say so Nursey had stopped asking. Dex didn’t usually miss whatever it was he was doing, but the few times he did he was just as withdrawn.  


Some nights Nursey would wake up to find Dex sitting at the desk crying over his homework. Dex never told him what was wrong so all he could do was usher Dex back to bed and hold him promising him it would all be alright. Those nights Nursey couldn’t ever tell if Dex was going to cuddle up next to him or put as much space between them as possible. Either way Dex always cried himself to sleep.  


Nursey tried not to let Dex’s secrecy bother him, there were plenty of things he hasn’t told Dex yet. No matter how hard he tried though, Nursey couldn’t help but feel like this was different, like these two things were somehow connected. He didn’t push, no matter how much he wanted to, he wanted Dex to talk about this on his own. 

“Dex?” It was four in the morning and Nursey couldn’t figure out why he was awake. He should be curled up next to his boyfriend, the blanket tangled between their legs, their arms stretched across the mattress. “Dex, babe?” Nursey sat up frowning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Are you in the room?” When there was no response Nursey sighed and reached for his phone. Dex would come back eventually and then they would talk around whatever it was that was bothering him.  
  


When the door to the bedroom opened Nursey smiled up to find Dex with tear tracks down his cheeks. “Will, come here.” Nursey expected Dex to at least shake his head it always took a bit of convincing to get Dex to lay back down. Tonight though must have been rough, Dex didn’t even blink before he was walking towards Nursey and falling in to his arms. Nursey hadn’t even started to card his fingers though Dex’s hair when his boyfriend started crying again.  


“Shhh, Shhh babe, it’s okay,” Dex shook his head against Nursey’s collarbone but didn’t speak up so Nursey just kept running his hands though Dex’s hair hoping to help calm him down enough to get him to go to sleep. When Dex finally stopped crying Nursey started pulling back the sheet and moving over to get them settled in bed. Unlike every other time this had happened Dex put a hand over Nursey’s and shook his head.  


“Dex? What’s wrong?”  


“I’m going to Hell.” He whispered it so quietly Nursey wasn’t sure what he heard but before he could ask for clarification Dex continued. “I’m going to Hell no matter what I do. I can’t- I have to go to Mass but I feel like shit when I get back but if I don’t go then—“ This caused a fresh wave of tears which startled Nursey out of his shock.  


“William-“ When he reached out Dex flinched back but then threw himself at Nursey again. “William it will be okay it-“  


“You can’t possibly know that Derek,” but Dex didn’t move and Nursey counted that a win.  


Nursey didn’t remember falling asleep; he knew he had stayed up with Dex wanting to be awake as long as his boyfriend might need him but he didn’t know how late that was. When he woke up the spot next to him was empty, when he reached over he found that Dex’s spot was still warm. Nursey sat up ready to call for Dex but the name died in his mouth when he saw his boyfriend.  


Kneeling next to the desk was Dex, a string of beads hanging from his hands. Dex was mumbling to himself his eyes squeezed shut. Nursey took a breath and sat back, after watching for another beat he turned to face the wall, this was not something he was meant to see. Despite knowing that Dex wanted to keep this from him Nursey didn’t stop thinking about it.  


When Dex crawled back in to bed Nursey did his best to try and pretend to be asleep but he felt Dex sigh as he wrapped an arm around his waist.  


“I know you’re awake Nurse,” Dex wasn’t speaking very loud, that was one of the ways Nursey knew that whatever Dex was thinking wasn’t to be joked about.  


“I’m sorry.”  


“If I really didn’t want you to see I wouldn’t have prayed in your dorm room.”  


Nursey took a deep breath before saying anything else. “You’re Catholic.”  


"I- Yeah I’m Catholic.”  


Nursey closed his eyes glad he couldn’t see Dex’s face. “I don’t mean to be insensitive but-“  


“But how can a gay trans man be Catholic?” Dex asked, Nursey just nodded. “I haven’t quite figured it out yet.”  


“Then why-“  


“I believe in God the Father almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth, and in Jesus Christ, His only Son Our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, Suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was Buried. He descended in to Hell; the third day he rose again from the dead he ascended in to Heaven and is seated at the right hand of God, the Father almighty; From thence he shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Sprit the Holy Catholic Church the Communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins the resurrection of the boy and life everlasting.” Dex ducked his head and buried his nose in Nursey’s curls. “I am Catholic, I believe in all that stuff but-“  


Nursey lie still waiting for Dex to finish but he never did. Eventually he let out a sigh and kissed the top of Nursey’s head. “It must be hard.”  


“I’m going to hell, and sometimes that’s all I can think about.”  


Nursey sat up and turned around at this “you just told me you believe in Forgiving sins, why-“  


“There is no place in Heaven for a gay trans boy Nurse, the way I’m living my life it’s a sin, every time I put on my binder, when I take T, I haven’t figured out if kissing you is a sin or not but, I’m not making much of an effort to quit-“  


“If God made everyone in his image”  


“Him, I thought you would be one to use at least gender neutral pronouns for God.” Nursey could tell Dex was trying to deflect trying to change the subject.  


“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want Will but-“  


“There’s nothing to talk about Derek, I’m Catholic, my whole life is supposed to be suffering, this back and forth in my head about whether or not I’m going to Hell, it’s part of being Catholic, it sucks but Heaven isn’t easy, it’s not supposed to be.”  


“You’re supposed to wake up at four am crying about going to Hell? You’re supposed to be miserable every Sunday? You’re supposed to feel bad about making yourself feel comfortable in your body?” Nursey was staring at Dex who hadn’t moved, still laying on his side but his eyes were closed. 

“William I-“  


“I’ll be okay Nursey, that’s the other part, I’m suffering but God is right here with me.”  


“Making you suffer?” Dex just shook his head  


“If I could just-“  


“Just what pray away the gay?” Nursey smiled down at Dex but was met with an intense stare.  


“You say that, but what did you think I was doing this morning? What did you think I was doing last night? Derek I pray every day to wake up a straight cis girl.” The smile fell from Nursey’s lips.  


“William, you can’t, you can’t fix this. There’s nothing wrong with you and praying isn’t going to—“  


“ You don’t know that.” Nursey sighed he didn’t want to fight with Dex about this. He didn’t like the way it was making Dex feel but he didn’t want Dex to think he wasn’t on his side.  


“I’m so sorry William.” Dex just shifted enough that his face was pushed in to the crook of Nursey’s hip. Nursey eventually started playing with Dex’s hair, there were no tears but he could feel Dex’s ragged breaths slowly calm down.  


“Derek? If I did wake up a straight cis girl would you-“  


“I’d still be here.” Nursey promised and Dex just nodded. “Why don’t you get some more sleep?” Dex just nodded again, Nursey kept his hand in Dex’s hair waiting until Dex was asleep before pulling out his phone and searching “Catholic Beliefs on being Transgender”


End file.
